


15. lazarus

by piggy09



Series: The Sestre Daily Drabble Project [120]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 12:13:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8401270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piggy09/pseuds/piggy09
Summary: Helena wants to put her head into Sarah’s lap and let Sarah stroke her hair. She wants to be in the same bed as Sarah, and have Sarah roll over and ask what’re you thinking about, and to open her mouth and have an answer Sarah would want to hear.





	

**Author's Note:**

> YET ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF "NATALIE IF YOU HAVE AN ENTIRE DAY TO WRITE A DRABBLE MAYBE DON'T DROP IT AT 11:23 IN THE PM"

Helena lies on the floor and stares at her tank and thinks: _leave_. She doesn’t leave. Felix and Kira are asleep on Felix’s couch, Cosima and Sarah are asleep in Felix’s bed, and Helena should get up and leave now before she does something to hurt them. But she doesn’t go. She lies on the floor and stares at the tank.

She can hear rustling, but she doesn’t move; it’s only when Helena hears the soft padding of feet on the ground that she peeks her head around the easel and sees Sarah softly moving through Felix’s apartment. She looks like the ghost of everything Helena has ever loved. Helena should get up and leave. Instead she watches Sarah move, and wishes that she knew how to be that easy.

Sarah stops, looks at her with a bright flick of her eyes – like she knew exactly where Helena was, and how she’d be looking. Like she knows Helena. Helena likes to think she does – but. She has no idea.

“Hey, what’re you doin’ up,” Sarah says in a whisper, making her way over to the easels and crouching down. “Thought you’d be tired. Long way back from the ranch, yeah?”

“I do not sleep much,” Helena whispers back. Pauses. Considers. Adds: “Sorry.”

Sarah just raises her eyebrows at her, bemused, and sits down cross-legged on the ground. Helena shuffles a little bit so her head bumps against Sarah’s thigh and then abruptly loses all bravery, leaves herself there. She wants to put her head into Sarah’s lap and let Sarah stroke her hair. She wants to be in the same bed as Sarah, and have Sarah roll over and ask _what’re you thinking about_ , and to open her mouth and have an answer Sarah would want to hear.

Sarah’s fingers find her hair anyways, card through it a little bit. Helena makes a soft noise despite herself. She doesn’t know how Sarah knows how to be gentle; there are steps out there, there must be, but if there are Helena never learned them.

“They all liked you a lot,” Sarah says. Helena lets her eyes find Sarah’s face; she’s staring vaguely off across the room, sort of in the direction of Kira and Felix but not especially.

“I like them a lot,” Helena says. “Also.”

“You do,” Sarah says, voice wavering like a question.

“Yes,” Helena says. “They are very good dancers.”

Sarah gives a soft little laugh; her eyes close, almost against her will. Her fingers haven’t stopped moving. Helena pretends that this is instinct, that Sarah’s fingers have always known just where they fit in Helena’s hair.

“Yeah, you got moves too,” she says. “Thought you were gonna knock someone over.”

“Sorry,” Helena says. That, she knows, is instinct.

“Don’t be sorry,” Sarah says. “It was fun. Can’t remember the last time I laughed like that.”

_In the car_ , Helena thinks.

_With me_ , Helena thinks.

The words beat urgently at her breastbone but she doesn’t let them out. She just closes her own eyes, so she doesn’t have to watch Sarah not watching her. Sarah’s leg is warm against her skull. Slowly, tentatively, she shifts so her cheek is resting on Sarah’s thigh. Sarah doesn’t say anything about it – so it must be alright, it must be an alright thing to do.

“Sarah,” Helena says. Sarah makes a sleepy _mm_ noise and suddenly Helena can’t do it: she can’t ask _will there be a place for me here, can I stay, do I have to leave you and my children behind_.

“Will we have another party,” she says instead. “Someday.”

“Mhm,” Sarah sighs. Her fingers are moving so slow through Helena’s hair, combing all the tangled parts out. Soon there won’t be any of them left at all, if Helena just lies here. So she does. With her eyes closed, she drifts. Just before she falls asleep, she lets herself believe it: that when she opens her eyes, all of the tangled-up parts of her will be gone.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please kudos + comment if you enjoyed! :)


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